


Daily Reminder

by susiebstuff



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Death of Loved One, Gen, Sam Winchester Gets a Haircut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23055253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susiebstuff/pseuds/susiebstuff
Summary: Sam is grieving the death of his love.
Kudos: 11





	Daily Reminder

Sam woke up from a nightmare with a start, as he did most days. He looked over to the other side of the bed and was hit yet again with the reality that she was gone. He had lost her almost a year ago but the pain of her death was still sharp. Dean had helped him pack away most of her belongings. And the sheets and pillowcases had been washed so often that Sam could no longer smell her perfume. But there were memories everywhere. And his grief was almost overwhelming.  
Sam had tried just putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with his life. He had even started going out on hunts with Dean again, hoping that would make a difference. All that had done was almost get him killed when he got too caught up in memories and lost focus. He found himself remembering a similar hunt with her and didn’t see the ghost coming at him until he was being thrown across the room. At the time, the thought of dying hadn’t bothered Sam. But he didn’t want anything happening to Dean because he was distracted. So he went back to trying to help Dean and any other hunters by doing research. He had to admit he wasn’t doing too well on that front either, having days when he couldn’t force himself to even open his laptop. Sam knew Dean was worried. He could tell because he was doing his hovering mother hen thing, plying Sam with food, arranging movie nights, asking if he wanted to go out. It was exhausting for both of them- Dean trying to help and Sam trying to care about anything. Sam knew in his gut that something had to change but he didn’t know what or even how to start. He did know that today was going to be one of those days when he had just enough energy to drag himself out of bed.  
Sam got up and started in on what he had come to think of as his “good day routine”, going out for a run, showering, and getting dressed before meeting Dean in the kitchen for a breakfast he would try to eat. Good days always brought out memories of her, some more painful than others. Sam remembered she would sing when she joined him for morning runs, complain about the lack of anything but jeans and flannels in his wardrobe, and would always wash and condition his hair whenever they showered together, teasing him about his collection of hair products.   
Sam took a cursory look at himself in the mirror to decide if he needed to shave or not. He smoothed down his hair so Dean wouldn’t grumble. Sam remembered how she used to snipe at Dean when he made fun of Sam’s Disney princess hair or threatened to get out the clippers.   
God, she had loved to play with his hair! His hair was just another daily reminder of all he had lost. Sam remembered how she used to run her fingers through his hair. Tears came to his eyes as he remembered the sensation of this loving touch. He swiped them away and took a good look at himself in the mirror. He realized his hair had gotten shaggy because he hadn’t had it cut since she died. After she had moved in with him, she decided that no one else was allowed to cut his hair. Sam laughed out loud remembering how she had freaked out the first time and apologized that she “cut off a whole inch!” Since then, she took off so little he couldn’t even tell she had trimmed it.   
While Sam looked in the mirror, he realized two things. One, he was in serious need of a haircut. And two, he was smiling. As his smile faded away, Sam was left with his sadness and a crazy idea. Could he actually do it? Would it make a difference if he did? He could imagine her sweet voice telling him that he should try it and it was ok with her. Just like that, Sam made up his mind. He called for Dean to come to his room and bring his clippers with him.  
When Dean got to Sam’s room, Sam was already sitting in a chair with his shirt off. Sam squared his shoulders. With a determined look on his face he told his brother, “Go for it. Cut it all off.” Dean thought Sam had lost his mind or been possessed and needed to ask Sam at least half a dozen times if he really meant to do this. After Sam convinced Dean that he didn’t need to get the holy water and this was what he could do to help him, Dean finally turned on the clippers. When Sam heard the buzzing, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. With one last “Sammy, are you sure?” and Sam’s reassurance that he was, Dean just patted him on the shoulder and said “Here we go.”   
With each pass of the clippers, Sam felt his hair falling away and his head growing lighter. Sam realized he was feeling something else too. He felt something loosening, coming free inside of him. He found himself thinking of his emotions as tectonic plates shifting in the earth. This was not anything as monumental as an earthquake or a new mountain developing, but Sam knew some edges deep inside of him were starting to realign.  
The whole haircut did not take much longer than Dean’s once promised “five minutes with the clippers.” When it was done, Sam’s hair was about the same length as Dean’s. As the brothers’ eyes met in the mirror, Sam and Dean both pretended it was no big deal and ignored any tears.   
Sam’s appearance had drastically changed, but the difference in his sadness was not as extreme. His head was lighter. And his heart was just a bit lighter too. Sam knew he would miss her every day for the rest of his life, but with his hair gone he would have one less daily reminder. Sam wasn’t sure if it would ever be possible to map out the new geography of his life with such an important piece missing. But maybe, just maybe, one less daily reminder would be enough for him to begin to learn how to go on without her.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work of fanfiction and I've caught the writing bug. Now I need some more inspiration. If anyone reading this would be interested, I'm open to prompts and suggestions. You can also find me on Tumblr @awesomesusiebstuff if you'd care to chat there.


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